202511092025.11.09
I don’t remember when I wrote the last entry, but it feels like it’s been a while. Ah, I guess it’s when I wrote about waving hands to each other. Thankfully, I think I had some enlightenment through people and events. Also, I realized we’ve been doing or achieving many even when we think we’ve been stuck or haven’t done anything.
Basically I have a happy, fulfilling day every day and I’ve been so grateful that I can look forward to the days coming, feeling excited about what’s on each day. I think I just need to be there, enjoying each moment, but I feel haste almost every day at the same time. Maybe it’s because even though I want to have an apartment on my own, part of be isn’t sure that’s the lifestyle I want. On one day I’m so energized to make it happen, feeling no fear financially, and on the other day the excitement is gone, doubting my idea, “Is living on your own what you really want to do? Is it really the way you can be yourself that you want to be? Doesn’t it mean you’re denying what you are now?”
It’s pretty annoying what you just simply came up with as an exciting idea can’t be the way it was and can’t be pursuit straightforwardly. What I see changes depending on the way I feel at the moment.
What I can do is to be okay with not having decided and enjoy what’s in front of me, I guess.
Anyways, I realized it’ll be halfway through of the year 39 of my life soon. I’ve been feeling like I’m already 40, so I’m kind of relieved I still have 6 months to go. I don’t want to be bound by age, but here I am! It’s a part of human life.
Recently I heard one of my dad’s friends got 3 months to live. It’s a shock, but sounds like he’s still fine and happy with his family now. I think whether he’s happy or content every moment as much as possible matters the most, so that’s good. This sort of news or an idea of death always is a fuel for me to live, if you know what I mean. It helps me get back to here and now, and encourages me to enjoy my life to the fullest.
ビシッと決められない自分にもやもやすることをダラダラ書いて終わったな…迷う時はとりあえず目の前のことに戻ってくるがいいのかな〜と思ってそうしています。半年って色々あるなあ。半年後、どうしてるかな。そうしている間にも生徒さんたちから英語へのハードル下げたり抵抗がない状態を続けられてよかったエピソードをちょいちょい聞く最近。わたしにできることができていてよかったよ〜