202511302025.11.30
Another month with some enlightening moments. But been hesitant to write as it’s not really related to English much.. So at least I’m going to try to write it in English.
The biggest thing was that I might have realized why I’ve been obsessed with getting a partner or an apartment to live by myself, and hasn’t been feeling pursuing them itself isn’t exactly right. I feel like now I know what I wanted by getting them: the feeling of being released from the role of “reliable/dependable person”, “Ms. getting-it-together”, “pillar of the family” or “protecting the family”. Before I realized this, I’d felt something suffocating even when imagining having a partner or an apartment. I could only imagine being the one who is dependable, knowing everything and preparing everything. Somewhat I’d felt I would have to be that person even after I get what I thought I wanted, and I don’t want to be that person anymore.
It’s not like I’d been forced to or expected to be like that, and I won’t say I’d actually done many things physically or financially to play that role, but I think I had always had that mindset somewhere and internalized that character for almost my entire life. And I was afraid if it would be that way my entire life unless I get out to somewhere else. I wasn’t even aware that was the reason for what I wanted, so I wasn’t able to draw it in the way I felt right. Now I know I just wanted myself to know that and nobody’s actually hoping me to play that role.
With knowing that, I started to feel like it doesn’t matter wherever I live or if have a partner or not. What matters more is that if I feel okay not trying to be THAT person and no one’s going blaming me for that.
Honestly, it’s kind of hard to stop trying to live up to the expectations of people around you, play the role so that things work more smoothly. But if you noticed that you’d built yourself through external validations, maybe it’s time to know that’s not necessary to be who you are, and seek the self-image that you feel easier, that you can breathe deeper.
いつの間にか自分で自分のキャラ設定（これも自然と無意識に創り上げてきたもの）に息苦しくなっていたことに気づいた話でした。私の場合は、パートナーを得たり部屋を借りたりすることでそこから抜け出せると思っていたようです。しかもそれに気づいてなかったので、「パートナー」やら「一人暮らし」やらを求めつつ、その先でまだ（あるいはより一層）そのキャラ設定だったので「なんかちがう…」となっていたのでした。気づいたことで行動がめちゃくちゃ変わるとかではないけど、自分へのダメ出しは減ると思うし、何かをキャラ設定から抜け出す条件にしなくて良くなった気がしますだ。