Look what you have2021.07.11

Sometimes it’s hard to know you’re doing something because you love it or because people love it. But the idea that you help people with something you’re good at or you feel easy.

There are so many people on social media who have something they really love or they’re enthusiastic about, and you see their effort, what they created, them offering their skills, selling products, how happy and grateful they are, the supposedly ideal life, etc. And you don’t feel like posting anything or there’re nothing to post, thinking, who cares? But at the same time, part of me is worrying if I seem like a boring person.

I’ve been sad and lonely quite often recently even though I have so nice people around me. Maybe too nice. So nice that I feel my lack of compassion, kindness, enthusiasm or many other things, which makes me paralyzed even more. It seems like everyone else has family or friends who are close to them, who can share their life together, because they’re nice. And I don’t, because I’m not.

But deep inside, I know none of that is true and I’ve already had what I need. There’re people I care. Just doing what I’m intrigued is enough. I’m grateful that I still have something that I’m intrigued. As if to prove that, people ask me for help or offer me a job out of nowhere (well it’s not technically nowhere as I’ve known them), and I feel excited hearing it, which is a good sign.



きのう、ブラックホールのドキュメンタリーを見ていて、字幕が「研究のために妻と離婚したよ」的なのに ~ devoted my life しか聞こえなくて、英語字幕にしてもそうとしか言ってなくて、まさかどこかで何かがどうにかなって ~ devorced my wife として字幕翻訳者が訳したのでは…と、普通に見ててこういうのつかめたりするの面白いな、うれしいな、と喜んでいました(全くもって私が間違ってるとか知識不足かもしれませんけど)。いわゆる「ペラペラ」路線が人気ですけど、英語との関わり方も「喋れる」のグラデーションも千差万別で、ちっさいわくわくや面白いな〜を重ねていくのも良い気がするのです。

思い立って母を相棒に車を走らせてみました。これぐらいひらけた海を見るにはやっぱり1時間半ぐらい走らないといけないのかな〜 波の音。